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sense of responsibility& my personal abilities& do it& calm
down& just forget that I earned that wealth, that I risked it, that
I earned it& now I give it all in exchange for nothing& isn t that
right?& what do you call giving everything in exchange for
everything?& call it whatever you like& they came back, they
didn t give up& right, when I think about it, I smile& I mock
myself, I mock all you& I mock my life& haven t I earned the
right?& isn t this the appropriate, the only time to do it?& I
couldn t mock myself while I was alive& now I can& my
right& I ll leave you my testament& I ll bequeath you those dead
names& Regina& Tobias& Páez& Gonzalo& Zagal& Laura,
Laura& Lorenzo& so you won t forget me& separated& I can
The Death of Artemio Cruz 230
think it and ask myself& without knowing it& because these last
ideas& I know it, too& I think, dissimulate& run out of my
control, ah, yes& as if my brain, my brain& asks& the answer
comes to me before the question& probably& they re the same
thing& living is another separation& with that mulatto, next to
the shack and the river& with Catalina, if we had ever spoken& in
that jail, that morning& don t cross the sea, there are no islands,
it s not true, I tricked you& from the
teacher& Esteban?& Sebastián?& I don t remember& he taught
me so many things& I don t remember& I left him and went
north& ah, yes& yes& yes& yes, life would have been
different& but only that& different& not the life of this dying
man& no, not dying& I m telling you no no no& an attack& an
old man, an attack& convalescence, that s it& another life& the
life of another man& different& but also apart& oh, what a
trick& neither life nor death& oh, what a trick& on the man s
land& hidden life& hidden death& a fixed period of time& no
meaning& my God& ah, that might be the last piece of
business& who s putting his hands on my shoulders?& believe in
God& yes, a good investment, why not& who s making me lie
back, as if I wanted to get up out of here?& is there any other
possibility to believe that we go on being even when we don t
believe in it?& God God God& all you have to do is repeat a word
a thousand times for it to lose its meaning, be nothing more than
a string& of empty& syllables& God God& how dry my lips
are& God God& illuminate those who are left& make them think
of me once& in a while& make my memory& last& I think& but
I don t see them clearly& I don t see them& men and women
mourning& that black egg of my sight& cracks and I see& that
they go on living& they go back to their
jobs& idleness& intrigues& without remembering& the poor
dear man& who hears the shovels digging the moist& earth& on
h i s f a c e & t h e s i n u o u s
advance& sinuous& sinuous& sinuous& yes& sensual& of those
worms& my throat& drips into me like a sea& a lost voice
that& wants to revive& revive& go on living& get on with life
where it was cut off by the other& death& no& start over from
The Death of Artemio Cruz 231
the beginning& revive& choose again& revive& choose
again& no& how icy my temples feel& what blue& nails& what
a swollen& stomach& what nausea& from shit& don t die
senselessly& no no& ah, bitches& impotent bitches& who have
had every object money can buy& and a head full& of
mediocrity& if at least& you had understood what those
objects& were good for& how to use& these& things& but not
even that& while I had it all& do you hear
me?& everything& money can buy and& everything it can t
buy& I had Regina& do you hear me?& I loved Regina& her
name was Regina& and she loved me& loved me without
money& followed me& gave me life& down below& Regina,
Regina& how I love you& how I love you today& without having
to have you near me& how you fill my chest with this
warm& satisfaction& how& you flood me& with your old,
forgotten& perfume, Regina& I remembered you& see?& look
carefully& I remembered you before& I could remember
you& just as you are& as you love me& as I loved you in the
world& that no one can take away from us& Regina, the
world& that I carry with me and save& protecting it with my two
hands& as& if it were a fire& a small, living fire& that you gave
to me& you gave to me& you gave to me& I may have taken& but
I gave to you& oh black eyes, oh dark, aromatic skin, oh black
lips, oh dark love I cannot touch, name, repeat: oh your hands,
Regina& your hands on my neck and& the oblivion of finding
you& the oblivion& of all that existed& outside you and me& oh
Regina& without thinking& without speaking& existing in the
dark thighs& of timeless abundance& oh my unrepeatable
pride& the pride of having loved you& the unanswered
challenge& what can the world tell us& Regina& what could it
add to that& what logic could speak& to the madness& of our
love?& what?& dove, carnation, convolvulus, foam, clover, key,
chest, star, ghost, flesh: how shall I name you& love& how shall
I bring you close to& my breath& how shall I beg you& to give
yourself& how shall I caress& your cheeks& how shall I
kiss& yours ears& how shall I breathe you in& between your
legs& how shall I say& your eyes& how shall I touch& your
The Death of Artemio Cruz 232
taste& how shall I abandon& the solitude& of myself& to lose
myself in& the solitude & of ourselves& how shall I repeat& that
I love you& how shall I exile& your memory so I can wait for
your return?& Regina Regina& that stabbing pain is coming back,
Regina, I m waking up& from that half sleep the sedative
induced& I m waking up& with the pain& in the center& of my
guts, Regina, give me your hand, don t abandon me, I don t want
to wake up and not find you next to me, my love, Laura, my
adored wife, my saving memory, my percale skirt, Regina, it hurts,
my unrepeatable tenderness, my turned-up little nose, it hurts,
Regina, I realize it hurts: Regina, come, so I can survive again;
Regina, exchange your life for mine again; Regina, die again so I
can live; Regina. Soldier. Regina. Embrace me, both of you.
Lorenzo. Lilia. Laura. Catalina. Embrace me, all of you. No. What
ice I feel in my temples& Brain, don t die& reason& I want to
find it& I want& I want& land& nation& I loved you& I wanted
to go back& reason of unreason& contemplate from a very high
place the life I ve lived and then see nothing& and if I don t see
anything& what reason to die& why die& why die suffering& why [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]