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other way around. Erik claimed to be the love of my life but he
wanted a shade that still clung to this form. Henry wanted a lover s
vengeance. Not on me, on whom I used to be.
Maybe once I was the sharpest pencil in the box but from the
point of my coherent and comprehensive timeline of memories, my
thinking was worn to the nub. Who I used to be isn t who I am and
who I am isn t a victim. Or maybe closer to the point is that I am
not going to be a victim any longer.
The darkness around was lighter now, a deeper shade of gray, a
twilight. I opened my eyes found myself still in the big bed that was
the venue for last night s uncalled for debauchery. My body was my
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Derekica Snake
own to command again. I was in mild agony. When Henry had
sicced Eldon on me, I had thought that the Englishman would have
taken great enjoyment in showing me my station. Erik had hurt me
worse than being in the middle of Henry s sexual Olympics.
The stale scent of sex and sweat hung in the air and clung to
the skin that my nose was pressed against.
I was propped up on Eldon, my arm up and over his waist with
my head resting on his chest. I was using him as a pillow. Eldon had
his hand tangled in my hair and was gently stroked my scalp, his
finger running idly over my scar as he smoked a very mild cigarette.
I had a feeling that without even the start of this evening of
lust as a drug experiment, I would have been lost in pleasure. Both
Henry and Eldon had spoken as if they knew this body intimately
and before the night was over, they have proven that they did. Still,
body numbing ecstasy if unwanted is still rape. It didn t matter that
Eldon had prepared me so thoroughly for Henry s plunder that,
though Henry was abnormally large, it didn t hurt at the time.
A heavy weight was across my hips and legs. An arm was
around my waist, pressed between the smooth silky sheets and my
own smooth skin and the hand attached to that arm was splayed
across my lower stomach as if claiming ownership even in slumber.
His face was at the small of my back. Each breath warmed my flesh
in contrast to the coolness of the air conditioning.
It was a poor joke on God s behalf to lock a hedonistic sexually
over stimulated man in a body that was inadequate in some areas
and over developed in others. At the time, my body accepted his
cock easily. Now, I was feeling the stinging fruits of his endeavor.
Henry s cheek rubbed, rough with stubble, along my back and his
arm tightened.
I understood now.
If Henry had hoped to re-open the floodgates of memory and
intellect, he was going to wake sorely disappointed.
He didn t seem to get that this was more than just simple
willful forgetting. I wasn t pretending not to remember him. All that
we once were together was gone. That car accident was more than
just broken bones and bruising, in the end my brain was rewired.
Connections had been severed. Neutrons weren t firing properly,
more likely firing out of sequence and that is what I am left with. I
had all I was going to get and I had better deal with it. If those
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My Hostage My Love
around me cared so much, they were going to have to accept it as
well. I am what I am.
If memories floated up out of that darkness, they would come
on their own. Trying to live in the past... trying to live in the past
only resulted in me getting raped. Repeatedly.
As I said, I understood now.
The Trevor that I am is my core. My true core no matter what
Henry and Eldon believed. I m kind, emotional, tender and so easily
hurt by those I value.
Yes, I walked dogs I was embarrassed to be seen with and pet
sat for neighbors when they needed me to even when I didn t like
their dog. I did it because I could, not because I was expecting
money or gratitude. I took out the garbage for the elderly and
picked up their mail. Hell, I would supplement their meager income
by purchasing extra groceries and sharing them. I got myself a
home cooked meal and they felt useful and part of this godforsaken
world.
I did it because I was still that orphan who was dropped off on
the steps of the Church like tissue paper finally noticed and kicked
off a shoe. I reached out and helped others because that hole inside
me, that empty screaming void needed to be filled. I wanted love
and acceptance and I honestly think I had it once with Azure eyes
and hair kissed by the sun.
I had my heart s desire. I had my void silenced. I think I was
happy for five years. I m twenty...no I m thirty-three and I ve only
been happy for five years out of my whole life. That was actually
pretty sad. I had used others to fill the void. Henry was one of my
victims. Eldon, saw me for what I was and avoided the trap. I
respected him for that, I think. Otherwise, why would I remember
him?
My mind was beginning to spin in circles as I lay so still on
Eldon s warm body. I d been forsaken. To forsake; to renounce, to [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]