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forgotten how to share your thoughts and dreams with someone else.
Elisa stifled a laugh. What are you, a part-time shrink?
I care about you. Is there something wrong with that?
No. I mean, I guess not.
Then tell me what you re thinking, what thoughts are hidden inside
that pretty head of yours.
The last thing she wanted was to tell him he was right, but he was.
She spent too much time alone. Even at work she maintained a lot of
privacy. It wasn t that she couldn t make friends, it s that she didn t try.
The few friends she d kept in touch with after high school had
understood when her letters became infrequent, but now she hadn t
written them in years. She heard him sigh and was sure it was meant for
her.
If you must know, I m enjoying this moment. I ve never been this
relaxed and pampered. You re right about your massage. I loved it! You
make a great gift.
Chris laughed and it was music to her ears.
That wasn t so hard, was it?
Elisa laughed. It was brutal.
You re just getting started, go with the flow.
Okay, I m also thinking how silly I ve been all this time. I don t
talk to other people and I don t open up.
Why do you think that is?
I guess, well& by not allowing anyone to get close to me, I don t
have to worry about letting anyone down. It s kind of sad, really. I ve
completely shut down emotionally. That s not a healthy way to live. I
don t want to be alone.
You don t have to be alone, but I m not sorry you are.
Elisa gave him a playful glare. What a mean thing to say!
No, you re taking it wrong. Do you realize how awkward it would
have been had I come here and seen you with another guy?
She laughed and nudged him in the arm.
I m enjoying the way I feel right now, it s a nice change.
124
HOLIDAY VOICES
How so? I hate to think of you not loving yourself. You are a
special woman.
It s nice to hear you say so. I ve been feeling sorry for myself all
month, and fighting depression. No wonder the suicide rate is so high
around this time. The holidays are rough when you don t have someone
in your life to share it with. Every song on the radio is about spending
time with a special person and reuniting with your true love. Listening to
Blue Christmas over and over is enough to make me want to go get
run over by a reindeer, or something. It affects me deep inside, but I have
no one to blame, only myself. How about you? Do the holidays ever get
you down?
Chris sat up and rested his back against the headboard. He took both
her hands in his and kissed them gently.
To be honest, I haven t really experienced relationships the way
you have. I m hoping someday that will change.
Propping herself up on her elbows, Elisa studied him. When I wake
up, will you be gone?
That depends.
On?
On you. I came here on my own volition, to deliver your gifts and
grant you a special wish. Since I ve done both, I m free to leave anytime.
I ve enjoyed your company more than anyone else I ve ever met. There s
something about you that fascinates me. But when you say the word, I m
gone.
And where will you go?
I m not at liberty to say.
Elisa sat up and folded her arms in front of her breasts, doing her
best pout possible. Why so many secrets? Here I am opening up to you,
pouring my heart out, and you can t even tell me where you are from?
It s how things have to be right now, I m afraid you aren t ready.
Ready for what?
The truth.
Elisa felt some of the tension return to her upper back and neck.
Things were so nice she didn t want to ruin anything.
I m not sure why you think that, but you re entitled to your own
opinion.
I say it based on your past.
What would you know about that?
125
HOLIDAY VOICES
Not too may details, but a few. I read people very well; it s sort of a
gift. Anyway, you have to believe in the magic of Christmas to
understand, and as you ve stated earlier, you let that go a long time ago.
Oh come on, you really expect me to believe in something as hokey
as Santa Claus? There s no big guy sitting on frozen tundra with little
people spending their days making toys. There s no jolly Saint Nick
granting things to good little girls and boys. Trust me, if he were real, my
life would be very different right now. Christmas is nothing but one big
let down.
You ve obviously been hurt and I hope you ll feel comfortable
enough to share that with me. But I m not talking about believing in
Santa Claus, necessarily. There s more to the magic than seeing it
through the eyes of an innocent child. Stories of Santa aren t very
accurate, but he doesn t mind, he only wants to keep them believing in
his existence. Without magic, the holiday spirit would cease to exist. I
would cease to exist.
Hold the phone, now you want me to believe you are a spirit? I can
touch you, feel you& we had sex for Pete s sake. There s only so much
hoopla one girl can stand, you know. What are you going to turn into
next, a dwarf with a poor self esteem?
Why do you make fun of these things? Do you think I m silly
because I believe in them?
Well& no.
Good. And to answer your question with all honesty, yes, I m a
spirit.
Elisa ran her fingers lightly across the red stockings she still had on,
the texture giving her a rush of goose bumps.
Have you shut yourself up so much that you can t feel the magic
around you anymore? Do you have any idea what you re missing by
closing yourself up inside make-believe walls?
Great, he d gone from shrink to lecturer. There was a part of Elisa
that wanted to run away, right then and there, but the other part longed
for this kind of attention. She wanted to know where the spotlight was
and why was it on her tonight.
I don t know how to answer you. I can t honestly remember the last
time I felt much of anything. Since you ve been here I feel like I ve
escaped into a fantasy. I knew I had closed myself up, but I didn t realize
to what magnitude.
126
HOLIDAY VOICES
Well maybe you need to open your eyes and see things for how
they truly are. There s a bigger world out there than just what it is you re
experiencing in the here and now. Life is passing you by, don t you want
to enjoy it?
Now her defense mode was starting to kick in. Don t talk down to
me like I m some child. I m not blind or ignorant. I know what goes on
around me; I just choose to handle things differently. Does that make me
a bad person?
No. But in many ways you ve never grown up. I understand that
love hasn t been kind to you over the years, but there s something
else& I can t put my finger on it. Something happened to you when you
were a child that changed everything and blocked out the magic. You ve
tucked those emotions way so deep inside, so incredibly safe and sound,
that you can t see them. I can t even see them. Won t you talk to me and
open up to me some more? Talking is a healing process.
Tears welled up beneath her eyelids and she fought to keep them at
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